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Giving Barry his due; SI Column
Topic Started: Jul 20 2007, 09:29 PM (588 Views)
Fred
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Interestingly, this was in a magazine that featured the real home run king, Hank Aaron on the cover.


Never seen anything like this fake break, this Barry Bonds home run record hype. It’s like a man robbing a bank and then having a giant party to watch him count his money

But watch some dark day soon—And let’s hope it’s not in front of the Kool-Aid chuggers in San Francisco—Bonds willhit number 756, and the game will be stopped for a queasy kind of ceremony and the news channels will break away to show it and everybody will be trying to decide whether to stand up or throw up

So how do you commemorate a dishonest moment produced by a man who has denied using performance enhancers despite a silo of evidence to the contrary? Not to worry. We’re here to help.

As Bonds is running the bases, feel free to….

Light one of his baseball cards and hold it up like a Bic at a concert

Catch the ball and throw it back. You’ll never have to pay for a beer the rest of your life.

Hold up 4 fingers on each hand—44—Hank Aarons number

Hold up a big sign: Seven Filthy Six

Women, pull a black veil over your face. Men, pin on a black carnation.

Call the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, Calif., and ask to speak to Greg Anderson. He’s the convicted steroids dealer—and Bonds’s personal trainer and friend---who’s spent 10 months in jail for refusing to testify before a grand jury looking into possible perjury and tax evasion charges against Bonds. Ask Anderson what he’s going to want from Bonds whne he gets out. Like, say, Florida

Call the Hall of Famer and ask which cap will appear on Bonds’s head in his Cooperstown exhibit---The size 7, the 7 1/2. or the 8?

Pull out a copy of the Gameof Shadows—by San Francisco Chronicles writers Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams—and begin reading aloud how Bonds used steroids, HGH, insulin, testosterone decanoate, bovine steroids and female fertility drugs to help him set this record. And then watch Bonds step on home and point to God.

If you’re watching on TV, flip to something a little more plausible, like MacGyver

Hold up a big sign that says 650, which his about how many home runs Bonds would have if you replaced the homer totals from his alledged juicing years (1999 through 2004) with his prejudice pace of 32 per season

Send rabbits feet, four leaf clovers, and two headed pennies to Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr., letting them know that you’re pulling for them to pass Bonds like he’s a hitchhiker in an orange jumpsuit

Hold up a big sign: FLAXSEED WORKS!

Jump onto the field and give commissioner Bud Selg a hug, for he’s a Milwaukee native who loved watching Hank Aaron, and his fondest wish was probably to see Bonds fall down an elevator shaft

Get Bonds’s autograph at the ballpark---on the bottom, with an affidavit that reads , “I set this record with the help of performance enhancing drugs. I am a very large jerk for doing so.

Squirt juice out of a giant syringe

Remind yourself that they put a gold medal around Ben Johnson’s neck for a hwile, too.



The truth is, it won’t matter what we do. We live in an era when our Crap Detectors must always have fresh batteries. Every day we use them to decide which numbers are real and which are fake--- 90 million Enron stock and Donald Trump’s handicap and 36 Double D’s on 100-pound women. And we know this number is fake. And this number is fake. And this feat is fake.

Remember this:The man who held the record before Bonds---one of the most principled and honorable man you will ever meet—is reluctant to even speak to Bonds on the phone, much less will be there to witness the record breaker. Just because a thief paints over a masterpiece doesn’t mean the masterpiece isn’t still underneath.

And when the Fake Break is finally over and the confetti is swept up, Barry Bonds will go back to the one place where even he doesn’t believe the lies.

His mirror.


Life of Reily, 7/23/07
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Hinoa
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Enabling Terrible Ideas since 2012

Fred
Jul 20 2007, 10:29 PM
As Bonds is running the bases, feel free to….

Light one of his baseball cards and hold it up like a Bic at a concert

This is what solicited the largest amount of laughter from me. I should do that.

'Course, I'd have to get one of his baseball cards first...
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Ian889
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Death comes to all of those who oppose me.

tehy are holding a buring of his jerseys in many cites when he does break the record.
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Adnarel
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I'd rather be outside.

I hate Barry Bonds so much.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

I could care less its one stinking record in the baseball record book. He is going to get passed eventually, probably in our lifetime. A-Rod will most likely pass him, and if not him Albert Pujols and maybe Prince Fielder will pass him.
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werebarret
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Y'know, if you guys liked this one, I might start typing up all of Reily's columns for you guys...
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Ian889
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Death comes to all of those who oppose me.

I don't know if I would agre with everything he would say.
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Crash
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Wheey! I've became a human being!! I am very handsam!

Looks like he's gonna break the record in LA.
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Ian889
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Death comes to all of those who oppose me.

I donno he might just get walked....all the time.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

If I were an opposing manager I would challenge him every time he was up to bat...
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Deleted User
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I would walk him.

Every time.

For the rest of his career.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

I just want to get this over with...
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Deleted User
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I just want it never to happen.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

If it never happens though the analysts and announcers are going to continue to talk about it until he retires and I don't think he will until he hits 756
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Deleted User
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Bowserking717
Aug 2 2007, 01:52 PM
If it never happens though the analysts and announcers are going to continue to talk about it until he retires and I don't think he will until he hits 756

I hope he gets hit by a bus.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

That would be great yes.
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Deleted User
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I'll trip him as he rounds the bases on #755. If you don't make it home, it's not a home run.
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Seoulbowz
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Supergeil

Sounds good to me...
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